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From the Man Chair - Manly Tendencies

Posted: 2012-07-09

  Hence embedded in the divine and righteous mobile Man Chair (a 2003 Grand Prix with 363835 miles) smoking a Partagas 1845 Corona Extra, slurping coffee, and flicking the fallen chunks of glaze from an apple fritter from my Emilio Cigars "La Musa" t-shirt onto the floor littered with cigar bands, I am realizing how quickly my 2 1/2 year old son (ok 33 months for you anal moms) is becoming a man.

We've been knee-deep in potty training now for some time and having great success. The few failures we have at this stage are 99% of the time mom and dad's fault for losing track of time, or just being lazy. The other 1% stems from a little dude who is just too damned busy to stop to take a leak. Nevertheless, the little dude has managed to figure out there are opportunities in developing this important lifetime skill.

The other day, it was time to head into the bathroom to take care of business, (that's "make poop," for those of you without kids) and I was surprised to get very little resistance. After the "I do it" ritual of lifting the lid, putting the special seat on the big potty, moving the step stool into position, removing shorts and underpants, and sliding up and into position, we began the often funny time of waiting for the face. You parents know what I mean.

Instead, this time, the little dude threw me a curve. He told me, not asked me, to bring him a book. After refusing my first two selections, he accepted a book of pictures of trucks, race cars, construction equipment, and airplanes. OK. Then, he told me, not asked me, to go...to leave him to his business at hand. He even pointed to the door as he instructed me to "go out there." WTF?!

After laughing a little as I left the bathroom with the little dooder parked on his throne, feet dangling, little tighty whities around his ankles, perusing a manly book about trucks, I had a pride moment. At 2 1/2, he has figured out that sometimes dropping a deuce is the only time you can have a little privacy in life. Use it wisely. Catch up on a little reading. Do some thinking. And let mother nature do her thing. Indeed, I was the proud papa.

So, knowing this is just the very beginnings of my son becoming a man, my thoughts turned to things like taking him for his first motorcycle ride, as I have many fond memories of riding with my dad as a little kid, and the day we enjoy a cigar together for the first time, etc. All really cool shit that, naturally, a proud dad would go to in his mind when thinking about his son growing up. With every cool thing to imagine, however, we tend to not think of the other stuff. Stuff that might not be so cool, but can be really funny nonetheless. The dude didn't make me wait very long.

Yesterday, he got his mother's attention, pointed to the kitchen and told her to "go cook something." Manly? Sure...as long as you're at a herf with the guys and the boss isn't around. Funny? Goddamned right it's funny!

Also yesterday, we all went to WalMart to grab some provisions. While scouting the wheat bread section, the little dude carpet bombed a solid ten foot section with a stench of July roadkill and sewer pipe that would gag a maggot. After I got yelled at...first for the assumption that I did it (I wish I could've claimed that one), and second for blaming it on my son, the little dude was asked if he pooped his pants. (Yes, it was that bad.) He said with a smile, "No, I cut the cheese." Manly? Sure...as long as you're at a herf with the guys and not trying to get laid. Funny? Goddamned right it's funny! That's high five funny. That's thumb to the forehead funny. This is going to be a fun ride.

I'm so proud.

...and that's the way I see it From the Man Chair.


Episode #160 - LIVE from the Havana Room


Recorded: 2012-07-14
Cigar of the Day: C&C Corojo Toro

  What do you get when you combine the Cretins with a prominent boutique cigar brand owner, a peer lesson in human anatomy, the promise of grilled meat, alcohol, and a supply of cigars? Why, you get Blowin' Smoke #160, of course!

George Rodriguez of Rodrigo Cigars joined the Cretins for a new Cigar of the Day review, and filled us in on what's happening with Rodrigo Cigars. George also took on 5 Things duties for us too. Plus, our veteran intrepid reporter, Kevin, returned after a brief sabbatical with another installment of "What the Chicks Are Reading." We also welcomed back one of the original Cretins for a rare appearance, and talked about deep fried fair food, a study of European gentleman sausages, doing it without really doing it, and much more. (Geez. We wonder if George will be back?)

So, grab a Rodrigo, or any fine handmade cigar, and join the herf right here on Blowin' Smoke #160!

Don't forget to checkout that study of European gentleman sausage that Peter was analyzing for us here.


Blog'idor - Garbage Out, Garbage In

Posted: 2012-07-24

  I am a biker. While I am not hardcore, a biker in the most strict sense of the term, meaning I also own a car, I do not ride in the snow, nor as often as I would like, and I do not enjoy wrenching bikes, I am still a biker.

Over the last several years, work, family, and other responsibilities have really cut into my seat time, so when an opportunity to ride comes up, I try to jump on it even if it's a 30 minute loop around town. It's therapeutic. Riding a motorcycle clears your head, and the old saying that it sometimes takes a whole tank of gas to completely clear your head, is spot on. A Sunday drive in your car can be very relaxing, but it doesn't clear your head. You're too cocooned, too distracted.

On a bike, your head better be clear, or at least a lot less distracted, or you'll be dead. That's what bikers crave...clearing all the unnecessary, unwanted, toxic, trivial, stressful bullshit out of your awareness, and replacing it with the ride.

From the press of the starter and first twist of the throttle, anticipation comes over you like that little bit of drool you get in line at Krispy Kreme. You know it's coming. You squeeze that clutch and feel a little nudge forward as you tap your left foot down into first. It's time.

For me, I can shed a half a day's stress with one green light run through the gears. After that, if you're lucky enough to have the time, it just gets better. As you settle in, adjust your ass so the seams in your underpants aren't rubbing too much, check your trip to see how far you can go before you need gas, and flex your hands to mold those gloves just right, the crap just starts fading from your mind.

Here is where things get interesting, at least for me. The longer I ride, the more de-stressed I become, and the less garbage is on my mind. I replace home, work, money, and stupid people tensions with the ride...the feel of the machine, the visuals, the wind in my face, and the smell of the outdoors and even the roadkill.

So, it really isn't completely accurate to say motorcycle riding clears my head. Something has to be there, right? I have to think even if I'm in the most motorcycle zen-like place. Something will be conscious to me other than the mechanics of the ride itself. Maybe it's more realistic to say a motorcycle ride clears my head of the stuff I don't want in there, or need to escape from, and replaces those things with a sort of random slide show of stuff that I usually have no idea where they came from or what triggered them. They are fleeting, easy to digest, and pretty harmless.

Last weekend, I took a last minute, two-day motorcycle ride with a good friend through the mountains across the northern tier of Pennsylvania. Imagine the sun and shadows over the hills, the sweeping curves in the two-lane roads, the peaks and valleys, the tiny little towns with just the sound of the wind in your face and the low rumble of a v-twin exhaust, and join me as I share with you some of the things that popped into and out of my head during our twenty hours in the saddle.

Do-doo-doo-doo-da-dah-dah-dah.

An ice cold chocolate milk would be awesome right now...and whatever happened to the damn rabbit...

This cooler cloudy day means less bug guts on the windshield.

This here's the queen of my double-wide trailer with the polyester curtains and the redwood deeeeck...

AFLAC

That lady nursing her baby in the parking lot at Sheetz was kinda cute...

Excuse me while I whip this out...

Oooo, I just got a whiff of cigar smoke...I'm in the middle of nowhere, who is herfin'?

Cunnilingus had to have been a bitch for Toucan Sam, just sayin'...

...dine at just one American pink taco stand...

Damn, it's humid today. Do you know what relative humidity is...it's the sweat on your nutz when you're caught porking your sister...

Erase, erase, erase...

Shooo-bee-doo-bee-doo...I've got you, under my skin...

Look at that mutha-f'in goat right there! That's a big-ass goat. We should have stopped to take a picture of the goat...

Son-of-a...I forgot to put sunscreen on AGAIN!!!

For dinner tonight...I need bacon, definitely something with bacon...

Shooo-bee-doo-bee-doo...hey, would ya look at the boobs on that redneck...

Shooo-bee-doo-bee-doo...Shooo-bee-doo-bee-doo...I got chunks o' guys like you in my stool...Shooo-bee-doo-bee-doo...

Ride safe!

~El Freako


Episode #161 - LIVE from the Havana Room


Recorded: 2012-07-28
Cigar of the Day: Brick House Mighty Mighty Maduro

  Just lettin' it all hang out in the Havana Room, it's Blowin' Smoke #161!

Pre-gaming and pontificating the 2012 IPCPR trade show, the Cretins were excited to get a jump on a brand new cigar set to debut there...the Brick House Mighty Mighty Maduro from J.C. Newman Cigars. Will it outshine its older brother, or be the redheaded stepchild? You be the judge.

The Cretins also welcomed calls from Clint Aaron of 262 Cigars and Gary Griffith of Emilio Cigars to talk about the trade show, the games in London, and what they have in the pipeline for us cigar consumers. Plus, along with What The Chicks Are Reading, and a new 5 Things, we talked about marrying livestock, "man aisles" at the supermarket, and the sex lives of the big fat fatties. Hold on to your yab-yums.

So, grab your javelin, a big cigar and go for the aluminum with Blowin' Smoke #161

Don't forget to checkout Dr. Sarah Jensen's blog here, , and know your "yab-yum"...a visual.

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