Hence embedded in the divine and righteous mobile Man Chair smokin' a Donnie G. Corojo Robusto, I can't help but notice a trend growing among all the other New Years celebrations, happenings and traditions being talked about and advertised. I'd like to throw a flag right here and call personal foul, intentional desecration of the boys, half the distance to the goal, no soup for you.
What is wrong with a guy who would willingly strip down to his skivvies on New Years morning and jump into a frigid body of water? Are you still dumb-ass drunk from the night before? Did your mother breastfeed you a little too long? Not enough fiber in your diet? What!? Please help me understand how you came to the conclusion that submerging your jingle berries in ice water is somehow a good idea.
It's spiritual, El Freako.
So is a good Pabst fart. Give me a break!
It's rejuvenating, der Freakmeister.
How is feeling your knick-knacks suck up into your esophagus faster than LiLo doing a line of booger dust at Charlie Sheen's house rejuvenating? That sounds a wee bit uncomfortable to me.
But, your Freako'ness, don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Look, I don't need to jump in a goddamn arctic river in my Jockeys to know it's a bad idea. Not only is that the purest form of abuse to the boys (next to falling on the man-bar of an old 10-speed), but the shrinkage factor might make Little Richard disappear forever. I just can't risk it.
Needless to say, my boys and I will not be ringing in 2011 anywhere near a frosty stream, creek, river, lake or lagoon. Instead, I plan on pampering my boys...my way of saying 'thanks' for sticking with me for another year. Perhaps we'll enjoy some champagne New Years Eve. The bubbles make them frisky. On New Years Day, we'll sip coffee, maybe some tea, and watch hockey. I'll scratch their back from time to time...they love that, and maybe let them watch their favorite movies..."Dirty Harry", "Caddyshack", "Animal House" and "Porky's." Perhaps I'll wrap up the day by letting my boys stretch out in a hot shower?
Doesn't that sound more enjoyable than entering your doo-dads in a Ted Williams look-a-like contest? Incidentally, women who like to jump in freezing water I have no issue with...provided they send me pictures.
Happy New Year! Take care of your boys.
...and that's the way I see it From the Man Chair.