By El Freako # # #
With the big football championship game this weekend, odds are your preferred team isn't in the hunt for the trophy. You've probably created some alternative team temporary support algorythm in your head to justify rooting for one team over another just so you can avoid being a stick in the bean dip at your neighbor's game party. Whatever your method, it won't amount to squat if you don't factor in a little or a lot of cigar mojo.
I misjudged my cigar mojo last year at this time. I got sloppy. I didn't see the forest through the leaves. I lost the edge. I was holding on too tight, and it bit me in my black n gold ass. More on that in a minute.
For cigar mojo to be effective, you have to believe, and belief in the leaf undoubtedly comes to you quite unexpectedly, as it did for most of us. A moment of clarity. A chance meeting. A risk rewarded. A life-changing event. It really doesn't matter what IT was. Those are very personal things, like any faith. What did matter...what made the connection...the light bulb...the epiphany...was the cigar you had between your fingers at the time. We leaf believers and cigar mojo meisters can usually tell you what cigars we were smoking during big moments in our lives as if it was our personal Kennedy or September 11th moment.
Cigar mojo is directing your belief in the leaf toward a desired outcome. It's is very personal. It may make sense only to you. Cigar mojo can be simple, or it can be very complicated. It can be defeated by another's cigar mojo. Cigar mojo is powerful, never final, and must always be respected.
For example, let's assume you want the Patriots to lose because you just can't stand Tom Brady. He's a stud, and he porked Tara Reid. You're not, and you didn't. Your cigar mojo "may" tell you to smoke only cigars more attractive than Tom Brady during the game thereby cancelling out his studly effectiveness, OR you may smoke a shaggy foot cigar to symbolize Brady's mop top period and with you as a symbolic Madame Defarge. Let him eat turf. Two simple examples.
Let's turn it around. Maybe you like the Patriots and pretty boy Tom. (You probably also like chablis and little pink bunnies, but that's beside the point.) Your cigar mojo might be to smoke only Connecticut shade or Connecticut broadleaf wrapped cigars keeping the whole New England thing real. Your cigar mojo might direct you to smoke a Camacho Liberty bringing in the whole American Revolution, shot-heard-'round-the-world at Lexington, Mass. thing. Both are very valid cigar mojo implementations, but remember, cigar mojo is never final. A New York Giants fan with cigar mojo working could spark a Camacho Liberty against you. Remember Washginton crossing the Delaware to surprise attack the Hessians at Trenton, New Jersey? Where are the Giants really from? That's right, buttercup, and your cigar mojo was just given the Jimmy Hoffa treatment. (Another Giants reference hidden in there too.)
So, you just don't know which way the mojo will flow. Which brings me back to my personal cigar mojo experience in last year's big game. Early in the playoffs, I discovered a cigar mojo trend...a streak, if you will. When the Steelers were struggling...needed a big play...a Polamalu acrobatic anti-dandruff turnover...I had the edge. I discovered my playoff "Billy Baroo." The Vudu Robusto. Dark, spicy, tough, and, duh, symbolic. It worked. Only called upon in dire situations, the old Billy Baroo Vudu Robusto became my cigar mojo secret weapon.
Enter the big game. The heart is racing. Four-letter words are flying through the smoke of the Havana Room. It's tense. Things turn desperate. It was time...time for the old Billy Baroo...calling upon the cigar mojo wizards to shift the universe in my favor. I put down a perfectly good cigar and removed a Vudu Robusto from its protected hiding place, carefully punched the head, and commenced ignition. With the click of my torch, I believe I sealed my fate. I forgot cigar mojo is not static, but very dynamic, and I was made a fool. In my desire not to fuck with a streak, I overlooked the obvious. The playoffs were over. This was a different game. New rules were in effect, and I was using old cigar mojo.
You see, the Vudu Robusto is made by Rocky Patel. Rocky Patel is a Green Bay Packers fan.
Steelers 25 - Packers 31
~ El Freako is the cigar smoking host of the Blowin' Smoke Podcast. He is sleep deprived, suffers from ADD, and is a cynical sonofabitch.